Greetings my loyal brethren,
‘Tis the season to be sloppy! Starbucks, with whom (nice use of the word whom! excuse me while I pat myself on the back) we entrust the seasons, recently brought out the holiday cups! Meaning its that time of year where we all feel fuzzy inside and don our gay apparel. Now I don’t want to hear it from you indoctrinated folk who think Christmas comes after Thanksgiving and is about shopping and ice skating and watching “The Santa Claus” for the 14 billionth time. Or in soooome peoples case, you watch “The Polar Bear King”. To me Christmas is about the ugly sweater and how hard you work to sex-ify your ugly sweater. In order to make sure your ugly sweater is ready for the holidays, it’s imperative to start early.Winston Churchill (shamelessly never recognized for his fashion sense) once said something about blood, sweat, toil and tears. I try to think about that every Christmas season as I peruse Goodwill for my ugly sweater.
Winston “From tha Church to da Hill”, as the MPs in Parli called him, was never one to dress down
Every time I find a suitable sweater I always take a moment to think about the person who originally bought it. He/She carefully picked it out and thought “Man! This sweater’s going to look great on me! It’s so festive! I’ll be the most festive person at the party!”. Then I try to imagine what combination of amphetamines and hallucinogens they were on. Then I feel bad for them and hope they at least got drunk off nice champagne at said Christmas party and made out with their British boss like in some Christmas-y Hugh Grant movie. Then I move on with my life.
Now comes the hard part. How does one delicately yet vigorously sex-ify an ugly sweater? Let’s break it down. First delicate. The easiest thing to do is is to recognize the sweater as the center-peice of your outfit. Homegirl don’t you dare try to pull off those snow leopard pants with the ugly sweater! Its all about subtlety. Go for a classy pair of your favorite dangly earrings or simple, yet sophisticated booties. Don’t overdo either.
Then vigorous. Turn it into a sweater dress and forgo the bottoms. No one likes you anyway Pants! If you choose to throw it over your favorite mini, wear ripped tights. Or no tights! Hell, if you’re feeling extra sexy, you can even rip the sweater in appropriate places. Or inappropriate places! Why did guys get to have all the fun with dick-in-a-box? This Christmas, I propose nipple-in-a-box. Careful now, we don’t want any public nudity citations to ruin the holiday cheer. No one wants to spend Christmas Day explaining to your cousins from Iowa why you had to spend the night in jail and miss out on Baby Fannies first Christmas. I’m sure Baby Fannie will get over it, but you don’t want to risk more damage to your already slightly tarnished reputation.
Once you think you’ve got it sexy, take it for a test run at the first party of the season. Try to get peoples opinions. If you walk in the room and all the grannies faint, you’ve gone over-vigorous. If you walk in the room and everyone yawns, you’ve gone over-delicate. Try to limit yourself to 4-5 drinks so you remember peoples reactions exactly.
Now, the real goal of all this sexifying is to nonchalantly position yourself under the mistletoe at the exact moment as that saucy intern in accounting/neighborhood hottie/bro you wanna bang for funsies. You can set this up one of two ways. If you’re like myself and stealth is not one of your finer qualities, you can feign a fashion emergency. This is an ideal situation because the other sex has NO idea what to do when these traumatic events occur. The classic fashion emergency is ripped tights. You may get weird looks if while wearing pre-ripped tights, you are suddenly distraught over your ripped tights. Ignore the haters and proceed to your final destination. If you were blessed with stealth, try a technique I call movement-oriented eye-fucking. Suggestively motion towards the mistletoe and at your man simaltaneously. But make sure he doesn’t know it! Get inside his head. If done correctly, he will walk towards the mistletoe and appear surprised to have run into you there. BAM
When the deed is done and you’re helping to take down the decorations, I urge you to give back. Christmas is about love and charity. Once your ugly sweater has propelled you to fashion icon status, give it back to that thrift store . Let someone else enjoy the feeling of millions of people watching you with envy as you hobble across the room barely clothed. Lastly, remember to be shameless this season because you can always ask Santa for your dignity back for Christmas.
MERYY CHRISMAKWANZAKUHH TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOOD NIGGGGGHT!