Falalalala

Greetings my loyal brethren,

‘Tis the season to be sloppy! Starbucks, with whom (nice use of the word whom! excuse me while I pat myself on the back) we entrust the seasons, recently brought out the holiday cups! Meaning its that time of year where we all feel fuzzy inside and don our gay apparel. Now I don’t want to hear it from you indoctrinated folk who think Christmas comes after Thanksgiving and is about shopping and ice skating and watching “The Santa Claus” for the 14 billionth time. Or in soooome peoples case, you watch  “The Polar Bear King”. To me Christmas is about the ugly sweater and how hard you work to sex-ify your ugly sweater. In order to make sure your ugly sweater is ready for the holidays, it’s imperative to start early.Winston Churchill (shamelessly never recognized for his fashion sense) once said something about blood, sweat, toil and tears. I try to think about that every Christmas season as I peruse Goodwill for my ugly sweater.

Winston “From tha Church to da Hill”, as the MPs in Parli called him, was never one to dress down

Every time I find a suitable sweater I always take a moment to think about the person who originally bought it. He/She carefully picked it out and thought “Man! This sweater’s going to look great on me! It’s so festive! I’ll be the most festive person at the party!”. Then I try to imagine what combination of amphetamines and hallucinogens they were on. Then I feel bad for them and hope they at least got drunk off nice champagne at said Christmas party and made out with their British boss like in some Christmas-y Hugh Grant movie. Then I move on with my life.

Now comes the hard part. How does one delicately yet vigorously sex-ify an ugly sweater? Let’s break it down. First delicate. The easiest thing to do is is to recognize the sweater as the center-peice of your outfit. Homegirl don’t you dare try to pull off those snow leopard pants with the ugly sweater! Its all about subtlety. Go for a classy pair of your favorite dangly earrings or simple, yet sophisticated booties. Don’t overdo either.

Classy from the bottom up

Then vigorous. Turn it into a sweater dress and forgo the bottoms. No one likes you anyway Pants! If you choose to throw it over your favorite mini, wear ripped tights. Or no tights! Hell, if you’re feeling extra sexy, you can even rip the sweater in appropriate places. Or inappropriate places! Why did guys get to have all the fun with dick-in-a-box? This Christmas, I propose nipple-in-a-box. Careful now, we don’t want any public nudity citations to ruin the holiday cheer. No one wants to spend Christmas Day explaining to your cousins from Iowa why you had to spend the night in jail and miss out on Baby Fannies first Christmas. I’m sure Baby Fannie will get over it, but you don’t want to risk more damage to your already slightly tarnished reputation.

Once you think you’ve got it sexy, take it for a test run at the first party of the season. Try to get peoples opinions. If you walk in the room and all the grannies faint, you’ve gone over-vigorous. If you walk in the room and everyone yawns, you’ve gone over-delicate. Try to limit yourself to 4-5 drinks so you remember peoples reactions exactly.

Now, the real goal of all this sexifying is to nonchalantly position yourself under the mistletoe at the exact moment as that saucy intern in accounting/neighborhood hottie/bro you wanna bang for funsies. You can set this up one of two ways. If you’re like myself and stealth is not one of your finer qualities, you can feign a fashion emergency. This is an ideal situation because the other sex has NO idea what to do when these traumatic events occur. The classic fashion emergency is ripped tights. You may get weird looks if while wearing pre-ripped tights, you are suddenly distraught over your ripped tights. Ignore the haters and proceed to your final destination. If you were blessed with stealth, try a technique I call movement-oriented eye-fucking.  Suggestively motion towards the mistletoe and at your man simaltaneously. But make sure he doesn’t know it! Get inside his head. If done correctly, he will walk towards the mistletoe and appear surprised to have run into you there. BAM

When the deed is done and you’re helping to take down the decorations, I urge you to give back. Christmas is about love and charity. Once your ugly sweater has propelled you to fashion icon status, give it back to that thrift store . Let someone else enjoy the feeling of millions of people watching you with envy as you hobble across the room barely clothed. Lastly, remember to be shameless this season because you can always ask Santa for your dignity back for Christmas.

MERYY CHRISMAKWANZAKUHH TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOOD NIGGGGGHT!

 Ho ho ho!

omgNYC Fashion Week Highlights!!

Dear friends, fashemies (fashion enemies), haters and leaders of the free world,

It is with a heavy heart I must admit that due to scheduling conflicts and an SVU marathon I was unable to actually attend Fashion Week in NYC a few weeks ago. I must also shamefully admit that I wrote up an entire piece pretending like I had been there but felt it would be an injustice to my loyal followers. And while I’m on this whole honesty binge, I might as well also admit that this summer has treated me with a bad case of writers block. I’ve played it off like procrastination but truthfully I began several brilliant analytical articles that SJP (HOW DOES SHE DO IT?!?) and the entire Vogue editing team would simply DIE to have their hands on aaaand could never finish them.

Whew! Feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Or perhaps my body chain has been cutting off my circulation.

Nevertheless, I attended NYC Fashion Week in spirit. Sort of. I could dilly daddle and talk about how great next seasons look are (oohhh and they are great) but instead I want to look backwards at some of the wonderful stuff 2011 brought us.

I present: 2011 IN REVIEW!

First off: Sweaters that aren’t Sweaters!

When the not-quite-sweater craze hit the runways last fall, I, for one, was flabbergasted. Everything I had known about this quintessential winter piece fell apart thread by thread. Luckily for you and me, I regained my sanity and threw myself into the may-or-may-not-be-a-sweater trend. In fact, I loved them so much I wore them on top of my bikini all throughout spring break. Yes, it was hot and uncomfortable but the mystic power of the sweater that isn’t really a sweater gave me the strength to pull through. And I looked good struggling.

Snoods!

snoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnoodsnood

Menswear

Lets talk facts. Boys clothes are more comfortable. I feel liberated when I wear them. Sometimes when I’m feeling especially enslaved, I walk around in a tie and nothing else and I feel whole again. Also for some reason menswear is one word. Why use two words when you can use one? This year, menswear came back big and burly. The blazer was huge and many of our gentlemen friends feared for their closets. Whether they feared what came out of the closet or what was actually in the closet is up for debate. Anyhoos we saw what we wanted and we took it! Huzzuh! Look out boys we’re coming back for more!

Bandeaus!

This year, I rank the bandeau as high up as the sweater that isnt a sweater. Bras are boring and tedious. Which busy girl has time to put on a bra in the morning? Bandeaus (sort of) do the job just as well and you can even find them in neon and your school colors if you tried hard enough. The bandeau leaves so much more room for creativity. I would love a personalized set of bandeaus incase I’m ever found topless and have lost my memory. (half bdays right around the corner yall)

Nautical Stripes

Every Sunday, after a light brunch of quail eggs and truffle country potatoes, Reginald and I take the Yankee Skipper out on the Charles and it is simply marvelous dahling.

Animal themes

Animal themed clothes are a versatile addition to any fancy gals wardrobe. You can stick to one animal or mix them up. PETA or not, you can’t deny the way leopard print brings out the wild girl in us all. I can say I have experienced many of my better moments while in animal inspired pieces, especially when mixing from different habitats.  However you chose to wear an animal theme this year, I’m sure you did it with style, grace and while eating late night.

I bid you adieu for now trannies and gentlemen!!

Accessories are a girls best friend (when you dont have any real friends)

Whats UP motherfuckers. This blog aint your mommas marijuana, this shit will be sticky. whaaaaat? public schools are so random! too bad we don’t go to one!

Most weekends (and occasional tuesdays) I tend to get either blackout or somewhere close to blackout. I like to think of my weekends as journeys. In the beginning, Im never quite sure where Ill end up, how many brain cells will be lost, how many late night trips will be made/how much late night will be stolen. The beginnings will be fuzzy, the middle almost erased from memory and the end can go either way. Regardless, I will always find myself, as I do now, sitting on my common room couch on Sunday. While I’m somewhat convinced that my death will be brought on by alcohol, I always manage to wake up on Sundays disoriented, hungry (depending on if I puked) and excited for a day of lazing around. So, back to the point. Which was what again? Oh yea accessories! As I said, accessories are a girls best friend when you dont have real ones. So I wouldn’t say accessories are really my jam (copyright E. Parzybok JD). I like them from time to time however. Of late my fave accessories have been stolen from my roommate Col. Hannah W. Newmark, SJ (YEA shes so boss even the Jezzies let her into their little males only club). Lately I’ve been rocking her fecal brown leather cuff from the wonder years of Brookline High (pictured below)

 

 

 

 

 

Also on days when I dont feel like doing anything with my hair, which happens almost everyday, I waltz around campus in this septuagenarian grey knitted beret. And yes, I do waltz around campus. I run this shit.

 

 

 

 

 

And for the days I reeeeeally dont feel like doing anything to my hair, I like to casually throw on one of my wigs. I own a dreds and an afro wig, both of which really complement my chocolate browk skin tone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another fave accesorry are these shades I stole back in October. I like to rock them rain or shine. Whats the point of wearing shades in the rain you ask? Thats like asking why the sky is blue or why bread goes moldy. I dont answer to nature.